• Rob Rose

The Disrespectful Squirrel

There is this family of grey squirrels that have taken residence above my back porch. I am more of a tech guy, who’s over weight, essentially lazy and mentally I would rather self loath. I always found something else more important to do rather than address the issue. Things like listen to music, watch TV, or gaze out the window watching them move their wares in and out of the entrance they created at the corner where the wall and roof come together. Yeah, I thought we had an understanding and I tolerated the mess as they tore up insulation and some of the electrical wires and casing. I knew that I was creating more of a problem and expense later down the road, but I wasn’t quite sure where that line would be drawn until now.

See, what I hadn’t really noticed was every morning Mac Mittens from the Streets (our cat 😼) would be posted up in the kitchen window watching this family of squirrels. I had thought he was doing what cats do. Chilling in windows and such.

One morning my curiosity had been peeked. Mac was in gang banger Predator mode all Tupac like pawing at the glass and mugging one of the squirrels. When I approached him I noticed the 🐿 sitting on the window ledge starring at Mac. There they both sat holding this long dramatic gaze. That was 2 weeks ago.

Every morning since it has been the same thing. A long gaze of curiosity and the only thing between them preventing Mac the opportunity to end this squirrels life is a window pane. I thought 💭 how fortunate for the squirrel.

However the squirrel didn’t quite see it the same way. .. In fact, if you sit and watch it’s quite the opposite. This squirrel 🐿 thinks it’s a gangster, and has been taunting Mac Mittens every day since.

I know what your thinking, it’s just a squirrel and there is no way it could have offended me or Mac Mittens. I too thought the same. At least up until yesterday morning when I woke up and went to the kitchen to get a drink.

As I stood at the refrigerator drinking on some orange juice I had gotten this feeling as though something was watching me. I slowly turned around to find this squirrel again sitting on the window ledge looking at me as if I had stolen something. I couldn’t help but feel disrespected and even almost violated. Not because it was starting at me, but more so what it was doing while starting at me.

“This perverted squirrel thinks I’m a punk.” I thought.

As it sat there and stared making obscene gestures and licking the window glass.

“I don’t get down like that, bruh.” I muttered as I left the room.

This is my declaration of war on the entire squirrel population in Green for the crimes of sexual harassment, destruction of property and failure to pay rent.

I have place a call to wood ninja Chuck and operation Squirrel Post is now underway....

(Bill Murray in Caddyshack declares war on varminto)

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