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  • Rob Rose

There is this family of grey squirrels that have taken residence above my back porch. I am more of a tech guy, who’s over weight, essentially lazy and mentally I would rather self loath. I always found something else more important to do rather than address the issue. Things like listen to music, watch TV, or gaze out the window watching them move their wares in and out of the entrance they created at the corner where the wall and roof come together. Yeah, I thought we had an understanding and I tolerated the mess as they tore up insulation and some of the electrical wires and casing. I knew that I was creating more of a problem and expense later down the road, but I wasn’t quite sure where that line would be drawn until now.


See, what I hadn’t really noticed was every morning Mac Mittens from the Streets (our cat 😼) would be posted up in the kitchen window watching this family of squirrels. I had thought he was doing what cats do. Chilling in windows and such.


One morning my curiosity had been peeked. Mac was in gang banger Predator mode all Tupac like pawing at the glass and mugging one of the squirrels. When I approached him I noticed the 🐿 sitting on the window ledge starring at Mac. There they both sat holding this long dramatic gaze. That was 2 weeks ago.


Every morning since it has been the same thing. A long gaze of curiosity and the only thing between them preventing Mac the opportunity to end this squirrels life is a window pane. I thought 💭 how fortunate for the squirrel.


However the squirrel didn’t quite see it the same way. .. In fact, if you sit and watch it’s quite the opposite. This squirrel 🐿 thinks it’s a gangster, and has been taunting Mac Mittens every day since.



I know what your thinking, it’s just a squirrel and there is no way it could have offended me or Mac Mittens. I too thought the same. At least up until yesterday morning when I woke up and went to the kitchen to get a drink.


As I stood at the refrigerator drinking on some orange juice I had gotten this feeling as though something was watching me. I slowly turned around to find this squirrel again sitting on the window ledge looking at me as if I had stolen something. I couldn’t help but feel disrespected and even almost violated. Not because it was starting at me, but more so what it was doing while starting at me.



“This perverted squirrel thinks I’m a punk.” I thought.


As it sat there and stared making obscene gestures and licking the window glass.


“I don’t get down like that, bruh.” I muttered as I left the room.


This is my declaration of war on the entire squirrel population in Green for the crimes of sexual harassment, destruction of property and failure to pay rent.


I have place a call to wood ninja Chuck and operation Squirrel Post is now underway....



(Bill Murray in Caddyshack declares war on varminto)

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One of the best ways to help a person is to not care what someone else may think about it.. - Rob R



The names in these events have been changed to protect the guilty, the innocent, the weak, and those still sick and suffering.

Basically everyone...


2 Other Versions of the Story

Rob Went On Vacation With The Fundraiser Money. (What money?)

Went To Kentucky To Shack Up With Some Girl. (Have you met my wife?)


The Actual Story


Last year shortly after our Racks 4 Recovery event, I had some people from the Massillion area reach out to me about a young women and her new born baby stranded in Kentucky with no ID, money, clothes, or food and wanting to know if there is anything that we could possibly do to help out. The woman and child lived in the Massillion area and from what I was told her, her boyfriend and 2 other friends were headed on vacation to New Orleans. When passing through Kentucky they had stopped off to rest and eat at a hotel for the night . There was an altercation with the 2 guys and the other girl that resulted in her boyfriend and girlfriend stealing the guys car and everyone's belongings. The guy called the police, rented a car and gave chase on a mission to catch the stolen car leaving the girl and her baby with nothing.


The girls parents live in Canton and both in addictive addiction with no money or a car to get her. They had offered me $7 and a blast off their pipe if i could get her back to Ohio. This started while I was at work on a Wednesday. Naturally I tried to see if I could put her up in a room so they weren't stranded outside for the night. I called every hotel down there in that area explaining the situation hoping one establishment would work with me. That was my mistake, regardless of the baby she had no ID and no place would let her stay. Then it started to rain and she and the baby spent part of the night at a Waffle House and the other half in the woods. Thursday while I was at work there was the possibility of a relative going down to get her. I had explained that I could not come down their until after work Friday. The relative was pulled over on the way down had warrants. and ended up going to jail.


I was able to pay Waffle House over the phone so they could eat but still no place would take her and she again stayed in the woods. Friday after work I had gotten a rental (I paid for it personally and Ohio Sober Living covered the deposit which was refunded). Other then my wife there was one other person that knew about this situation and we both felt it was a little sketchy, so I had turned on location sharing while I was down there.


When I arrived I called her phone the entire night sleeping in the car in the parking lot of the hotel. The next morning it was the same thing with no response. I went into the hotel and showed her Facebook profile to employees who had recognized her.. Which was kinda good because I was thinking I was on a wild goose chance. They said that she had been hanging around with a baby but hadn't been seen since the day before. At one point out of anger and frustration I left coming back towards Ohio. After an hour on the road I turned around thinking if something had happened and I was that close I couldn't live with it. So I went back and covered every inch of that area asking if anyone had seen her and nothing.


I finally called the police around 7:30 PM to file a missing persons report and began the journey home with no one. I had never heard from the girl again. She did make it home eventually because I found her in the mobile patrol app 2 months later.

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